1928 - Alderson High School - 1968


Kudzu, Kudzu Zombies
Why the South turned Republican

Paul E. Bland - February 7, 2012

Kudzu, the Plant:
Some years ago after graduating from West Virginia University, my wife and I moved to Alabama. On the road to Alabama we began to see trees, telephone poles and houses that were partially, if not completely covered by a green plant.

The plant turned out to be Kudzu, a plant that I had never heard of before. I was to learn that this plant was imported from Japan to be used as a ground cover. It seems that Kudzu is a vine that will grow very quickly in almost any soil and anywhere the climate is warm. Officials of many southern states wanted to use the plant to stabilize banks along roads to cut back on erosion. It worked all too well and Kudzu has now become a problem, growing out of control and actually hunting small animals and kidnapping children. It seems that children who linger too long at the edge of a large patch of Kudzu are wrapped in Kudzu vines and dragged into the “Kudzu forest”, sometimes never to be seen or heard of again. Most adults are afraid to venture into these forests for fear that they themselves will become victims of Kudzu. Those who must venture into a Kudzu forest always employ an experienced Kudzu guide and a team of bearers equipped with sharp machetes to cut a path and protect the party from Kudzu. Due to this menacing nature of Kudzu, I was told never to sleep with my windows open at night for Kudzu will often attack after dark and turn its victims into Kudzu Zombies. I didn’t know whether my wife and I were actually at risk or whether the folks in Alabama were just pulling our leg. However, we took their advice and slept at night with our windows tightly shut ever fearful that we might be turned into Kudzu Zombies.
Kudzu Zombies:
During my time in Alabama I never learned exactly why one person and not another is turned into a Kudzu Zombie. I was told that if you leave your windows open at night, then during sleep a Kudzu vine might creep into the bedroom and grow up your nose, deposit something, not yet understood by medical science that could enter your brain and then Kudzu would retreat and back out of the window. Slowly, over time, the victim would be turned into a Kudzu Zombie. The strange thing was that you couldn’t tell by looking who was a Kudzu Zombie. The tell-tale signs would only become apparent when they were involved in a political argument. In this setting, the whites of their eyes would turn a bright yellowish green and the pupils of their eyes would turn bright red. Moreover, the people of the south learned over a period of time that Kudzu Zombies no longer had free will and that they always voted Republican. When Lyndon Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act of 1965, he famously said that this act would turn the south over to the Republicans. But no, no, no, the fact that the Voting Rights Act became the law of the land is not what caused the south to go Republican. Over time, the majority of folks in the south have been turned into Kudzu Zombies and this is why the south turned Republican. So remember, you read it here first and no matter what you are told, this and only this is the true story of why the south turned Republican!

One disturbing fact is that Global Warming is causing our country to slowly grow warmer and this means that the Kudzu vine will begin to creep northward. So should we all be afraid that we will eventually become victims of the Kudzu vine, be turned into Kudzu Zombies and lose our free will? Will this ultimately lead to only one political party, the Republican Party? Well, I guess it could happen, but if it does, please don’t blame the people. My experience tells me that if we are to survive with free will, then we must always sleep with our windows tightly shut and that we should help save America by waging war on that damned Kudzu vine.

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