I have learned something
interesting about Boozer that I’ll pass along. When you learn of
this, please don’t tease him. I consider Boozer to be a friend and I
don’t want him to encounter any “ribbing” by folks in Alderson.
It began recently when I ran into Boozer at the Big Wheel. He seemed
to be a little depressed and so after he joined me in my booth, I
decided to probe a bit. At first, I thought he was upset because of
the election, but he said no. He told me that he had voted for
Romney, but it is what it is and he wasn’t going to fret about it.
He said that he liked Romney since Romney was going to give him a
20% tax cut. Boozer hasn’t paid taxes for several years, but he
still felt that this would somehow put money in his pocket. What I
learned is that he is depressed due to the fact that he has, for the
past several months, been pursuing a Ph.D. in mathematics. It
appears that he thought he could get a Ph.D. in a very short period
of time; in 6 months or maybe even less. Of course, I knew better,
but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to discourage him.
Now I have known Boozer for a number of years and I know that he has
always worked hard at various jobs in and out of state, but he has
mostly “hung out” around Alderson. Boozer considers himself to be no
dummy and he tells all who will listen of his signature
accomplishments: his adventures with Alice in Wonderland and the
time he and Fuzzy split the home brew atom atop Flat Top Mountain
which led to a meeting with Albert Einstein. And then there was the
time when he and Three Eight Ball discovered a creature in Saw Mill
Hollow that they are sure was Elvis. They told everyone that Elvis
was hiding out due to the pressures placed on him by his adoring
fans who wanted him to perform again. And, finally, he tells
everyone about his search with Pretty Penny and others for treasure
on Half Way Island. Boozer is proud that this adventure seems to be
somehow connected to Edgar Allen Poe’s story, “The Gold Bug.”
However, there are many around town that refuse to believe these
stories and I think this is what led him to seek ways to increase
his standing and respect among his many friends. I suspect this is
the reason he decided to pursue a Ph.D.
While talking with Boozer, I also learned how this all began. It
seems that one morning, while he was eating breakfast he noticed an
advertisement on the back of his Rice Krispies box that interested
him. It was an ad for a Ph.D. in mathematics. This ad led him to
believe that he could receive a Ph.D. in mathematics simply by
sending five Rice Krispies box tops and 50 cents to the address
given in the advertisement. Of course this excited Boozer, since he
knew that if he received such a degree, he would be respected for
his accomplishment and he could walk proudly around town. Boozer
thought about this for awhile and decided, “What the heck, I’ll go
for it.” Boozer told me that he ate Rice Krispies exclusively at
breakfast until he had collected the necessary box tops, which he
sent along with 50 cents to the address given in the advertisement.
He said that he heard nothing back for quite awhile and that he was
afraid that he had been tricked into eating Rice Krispies
exclusively for breakfast by the “makers” of Rice Krispies. However,
he said that he eventually received a letter indicating that he was
to receive a Ph.D. in mathematics, but he would first have to pass a
test in mathematics. The letter indicated that if he wanted to
proceed to the next step, he was to send a note to a mathematics
examiner who was named in the letter. Boozer was to indicate when
and where he would be available to take the test. He told me that
this scared him pretty badly, since he hadn’t anticipated taking a
test. However, he was determined to pursue a Ph.D., so he sent a
letter to the Examiner stating that he was ready to take a test in
mathematics and that he would be available at his home at the
Examiner’s convenience. Again, he said he heard nothing, but then
one morning there was a knock at his front door. It was the
Examiner.
After inviting the Examiner into his home and exchanging
pleasantries, Boozer learned about the test he had to pass. He had
to prove that he could count to 20 without using his fingers and
without removing his shoes and using his toes. Well, I am sorry to
have to tell you this, but Boozer failed the test. Boozer said that
he tried and tried and then tried again but he simply couldn’t do
it. He told me this was a big disappointment and this is what caused
his depression.
However, I am happy to report that Boozer, due to his competitive
nature, has not given up. The Examiner told him that he thinks he
has potential in mathematics. He told Boozer that if he would
practice, he would be permitted to take the test again. The Examiner
also said that on a future test Boozer would be permitted to use his
fingers once and only once to count to 10 but he could not under any
circumstances remove his shoes and use his toes to complete the
count to 20. Of course, Boozer would have to begin again by
submitting five additional Rice Krispies box tops and 50 cents to
the appropriate authorities.
At this point, a question comes to mind. Do you believe that the
producers of Rice Krispies have tricked Boozer into continuing to
buy Rice Krispies by giving him a test he cannot possibly pass and
then encouraging him to try again and again? As I stated earlier, I
consider Boozer to be my friend and I pray nightly that he is not
being tricked. However, I must confess that I am anxious as to
whether or not he will ever be able to pass such a test, even with
practice. But it’s my fondest hope that he will be successful in his
quest, so I am pulling for him and I hope you will too.
