1928 - Alderson High School - 1968


Private Detective Stone Cold
and the
International Brotherhood of Walnut Heads

Paul E. Bland - April 26, 2011

Before informing you of what little I currently know of the International Brotherhood of Walnut Heads, I feel that it is important to tell you something of private detective Stone Cold. It is not very well known that Stone has secretly moved to Alderson, but those with a keen interest can sometimes see him out for an early morning walk when he is in town. Stone is a government retiree who worked for many years under deep, deep cover for the CIA. Before moving to Alderson, but after his retirement from the CIA, Stone resided in Hollywood, California where he was a private “dick” to the stars. Stone knew that his Hollywood capers would eventually bring him national exposure. In fact, a movie was made of one of his investigations and his name was even used for the main character. The promoters of the movie felt that his catchy and unusual name would attract viewers. This caused Stone some concern; he believes that the CIA might target him should he become too well known because of what he knows about the CIA black ops that were conducted during his tenure with the Agency. For this reason, Stone moved to Alderson to escape the Hollywood spotlight. He knew that it was important for him to maintain a low profile.

On the more personal side, Stone is a Green Beret who is trained in the art of the silent kill. He an expert in Judo and Karate and he holds a Ph.D. in Shape Shifting from the renowned Shape Shifting Institute in Tibet. Furthermore, his hands and feet have been classified and legally certified as lethal weapons. He always packs “heat” but his cold Karate scream is usually sufficient to send neocons and George Bush evil-doers scampering for cover. After many conversations with Stone, I can report to you that I believe him to be a person of high integrity. I also believe that Stone has the ability to quickly get to the bottom of anything that he investigates and that his investigative reports will be straightforward, informative and quite truthful.

I met Stone by chance in Alderson during an early morning walk while going for coffee at Ross’ gas station and backroom gossip point and eatery. We slowly became good friends and he informed me of the existence of what he referred to as The International Brotherhood of Walnut Heads. I had heard of Rush Limbaugh Ditto Heads before, but I was completely unaware of Walnut Heads. Stone informed me that the Brotherhood has chapters in many countries and that the United States has not been immune from people becoming Walnut Heads. He told me that there are groups of people as well as individuals in the U.S. whom he considers to be Walnut Heads. I also learned during our conversations that Stone has been employed to conduct an independent investigation into this group. Who employed him, he would not say, but he did indicate that he considered his investigation to be vital for national security. His plan is to issue a detailed report to the nation via his employer when his investigation is complete. Stone says his investigation will take him all over the world and he indicated to me that he would be absent from Alderson for an extended period of time.

I haven’t seen Stone during any of my recent visits to Alderson, so I suspect that he is somewhere in the world conducting his investigation or it could be that his absence is due to being “taken out” by the CIA. It might also be the case that George Bush evil-doers learned of his investigation, got lucky and somehow caused his disappearance. However, both of these scenarios seem very unlikely due to Stone’s self defense skills and to his shape shifting ability.

Stone never gave me an exact definition of a Walnut Head. However, he did say on one occasion that anyone who through speech or deeds proves himself or herself to be a crazy nut is a Walnut Head. For clarification, Stone went on to provide examples of Walnut Heads. He said that Michelle Bachman is a Walnut Head because of her statement that the founding fathers worked hard to eliminate slavery. He said that this woman needs a history lesson since several the founding fathers were slave owners who had no intention of freeing their slaves. I think Stone considers Michelle to be a Walnut Head of the highest order due to this and other statements she has made. Stone also had something to say about Donald Trump. He said that The Donald or His Hairness belongs in the Walnut Head Hall of Fame for his endless self promotion over the years and his recent insistence that Obama was not born in the United States. Stone says that His Hairness should be told “you’re fired” and then banished from the national scene forever. Stone also believes that Chuck Schumer is a Walnut Head. He says that Chucky can outrun any congressman, young or old, in a 40 yard dash to get before a TV camera. It is rumored that Chuck can be found each day in the early morning hours in the Senate gym practicing his racing starts. He even goes as far as to bring along an aide with a starting pistol. Finally, on the international level, Stone pointed out that the president of Iran and the president of North Korea are charter members of The Walnut Head Brotherhood. He said that you only have to listen to what Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-il have to say to arrive at this conclusion. He thinks that Ahmadinejad has been a Walnut Head from birth. He believes that Mahmoud becomes increasing nutty every time he writes his last name Ah-mad-inejad.

Well, at this point, this is all that I can tell you about the whereabouts of Stone and about Walnut Heads. But I am very concerned for Stone, since I don’t know the exact cause of his disappearance. I also have the feeling due to my conversations with Stone that the Walnut Heads in the US and those around the world have sinister and dark motives in mind with regard to our country. For this reason, I feel that Walnut Heads should be identified and then “carefully looked after.” I must also confess that I am curious as to what causes some people to adopt such nutty points of view and to become Walnut Heads. Are the afflicted people born that way, do industrial pollutants play a role, is over population and/or global warming of the planet a factor or is it just crazy politics delivered to an uninformed and unsuspecting public? My hope is that Stone will enlighten us further when his investigation is complete and he returns to Alderson. At that time, I am sure that he will be able to provide us with much more information about Walnut Heads. Maybe we can use this information to help answer these important questions.

Unfortunately, there is a chance that Stone will never return to Alderson. It could be that his disappearance is indeed due to an action taken by the CIA or by a lucky group of George Bush evil-doers. I guess time will tell, but in the meantime I sincerely hope that Stone is alive and well.

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