|
PROLOGUE
The following events took place in Alderson, Snake Run and Saw Mill Hollow
several years ago. I, A. A. Asbury, have checked out the facts and I can
certify, on my best Scout’s Honor, that the events are true and that the
facts of the story have not been changed or embellished. However, the names
of the participants have been changed to protect both the innocent and the
guilty.
HOW IT STARTED
For several years rumors have been abundant around Alderson, and in fact
around West Virginia, about sightings of Big Foot in Snake Run and, in
particular, in the adjacent Saw Mill Hollow. The rumors tell of locals in
Snake Run catching a glimpse of a big long-haired and possibly menacing
creature tromping through the woods. There are stories of chickens and other
small farm animals that have gone missing and it has been assumed that these
missing animals were taken by Big Foot. Locals have set traps for the
creature with no success.
Locals also say that there are two-headed snakes in Snake Run. In fact, some
around Alderson say that two-headed people have also been known to reside
there from time to time. It has also been rumored that some of the folks in
Saw Mill Hollow have been known to practice the Bat Method of Child Birth.
That’s when the expectant mother hangs from the ceiling of a cave by her
feet and hopes that the little beggar can learn to fly before it hits the
ground.
Hearing these rumors for several years, Boozer decided to mount an
expedition to Snake Run to find out more about these so-called Big Foot
sightings and about the two-headed snakes. Boozer had seen two-headed snakes
on TV before, but he had always thought that they were faked. However, he
surmised that if the rumors about Big Foot were true and if he could somehow
capture Big Foot, then he would become famous throughout the world and this
would mean riches for him beyond his wildest dreams. He dreamed of
displaying Big Foot in a big steel cage and traveling around the world with
his display. He also envisioned “layouts” in magazines such as Science and
National Geographic about Big Foot and the technique he had used to capture
“The Creature.” He convinced himself that he would be invited to appear on
Oprah and other high-profile TV programs. So in the summer of 25 AED (AED =
After Elvis’ Death) Boozer employed a guide for his expedition. The guide
was none other than the well-known and extremely well-liked Three Eight
Ball. Three Eight Ball grew up in Saw Mill Hollow and his knowledge of the
area and its people is unsurpassed. It is told that this man pocketed the
eight ball three times in a row on the break while playing the game of eight
ball pool. From that time forward he has been known as Three Eight Ball by
all.
WHAT ABOUT ELVIS.
Some of the events that took place during the expedition involve Elvis
Presley, so a little history is in order. Elvis was born in Tupelo,
Mississippi on January 8, 1935 and he went on to become a “rock star”,
adored by large groups of young people around the world. To this day these
fans continue to use the abbreviation AED for After Elvis’ Death to give a
date when writing letters to each other and when announcing dates for fan
club meetings. Elvis is thought to have died of a drug overdose in 1977 at
Graceland in Memphis, Tennessee. However, there has always been a question
as to whether or not Elvis actually died. Many of his fans believe that his
death was faked and they have never given up hope that Elvis will someday be
found alive. It is known that Elvis was under tremendous pressure to perform
and that he was reluctant to do so due to the fact that he had gained a
great deal of weight. Many of his fans believe that he is still alive and
hiding out so that he can live his life in peace, free of the pressures
placed on him by his adoring fans. Over the years there have been numerous
sightings of Elvis reported in the press; Elvis in Europe, Elvis in Canada,
Elvis in Latin America, etc. So is Elvis still alive? The question persists
to this day.
THE EXPEDITION BEGINS
One fall day, Boozer collected Three Eight Ball and they drove in the
direction of Blue Sulfur. It was raining lightly, so it was not the best of
days to undertake such an expedition. However, Boozer was anxious to get on
with the search, so he and Three Eight Ball decided to ignore the rain.
Boozer had never been to Snake Run before, and about 100 yards, before
reaching the old Blue Sulfur spring, Three Eight Ball hollered “cut left,
cut left.” Boozer whipped the truck left and they were on the Snake Run
Road. They drove for several minutes and then Three Eight Ball pointed out
that if they were to take an old and extremely rutted dirt road going off to
the left, then they would end up in Saw Mill Hollow. Shortly after that
Three Eight Ball announced that they were in Snake Run. Boozer couldn’t see
much other than woods, fields and a few apparently abandoned houses. Driving
on they came upon a Sweet Little Old Lady walking along the road holding a
small umbrella and dressed in a long flowered dress with black Converse
tennis shoes adorning her feet. Boozer pulled the truck to the side of the
road, rolled down the window and began to speak to the woman. She spoke with
a pronounced southern accent.
BOOZER: Good afternoon, madam. We have heard that there are two-headed
snakes in the area. Could you tell us where we might see one?
SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY: Oh yes, there’s two-headed snakes here, but you won’t
see’m today cause it’s arainin. They are in them there holes right now, so
come back another day and you might see’m. The best place to see two-headed
snakes is in Saw Mill Holler which is someways back down the road.
BOOZER: Have you heard anything about Big Foot being in the area?
SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY: Big Foot? Don’t know what ye means!
BOOZER: We have heard rumors that there is a big hairy creature living in
the woods around here. Know anything about that?
SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY: Never heared about it round here, but could be in Saw
Mill Holler. Think I’ve heared some folks speak of that.
BOOZER: Thanks madam. Oh, by the way I can tell from your accent that you
are not from West Virginia. Where are you from?
SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY: I am from Alabama.
With that the Sweet Little Old Lady, with a twinkle in her eye, began to
dance a jig while at the same time singing Ramma, Jamma, Ramma Jamma, give’m
hell Alabama.
SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY: I truly hated to leave that Alabama football team,
but I came up here to be close to Elvis.
BOOZER: Thanks for the information.
Boozer didn’t follow up on the Elvis remark thinking that the Sweet Little
Old Lady might be one vegetable short of a plate lunch. So he rolled up the
window on the truck and he and Three Eight Ball continued on their way, out
Snake Run Road to Grassy Meadows and then to I-64 and back to Alderson. On
the way back, Boozer and Three Eight Ball discussed the Sweet Little Old
Ladies’ observation that a big hairy creature might be found in Saw Mill
Hollow. By this time the two-headed snakes had slipped from their minds as
they both became excited about maybe catching a glimpse of what might turn
out to be Big Foot.
CAMPING OUT IN SAW MILL HOLLOW
Boozer and Three Eight Ball decided to mount a second expedition to the
Snake Run area, but this time they decided to camp out in Saw Mill Hollow.
They collected food stuffs, what they considered to be enough for a full
week of camping out.
As the boys entered Saw Mill Hollow, the surroundings reminded them of the
story of Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, a story
they had both read in school. The Headless Horseman was supposedly the ghost
of a soldier who had his head shot off by a stray cannonball during a battle
in the American Revolutionary War and who rode forth to the scene of battle
in nightly quest of his head. Because of this story Boozer and Three Eight
Ball both were somewhat frightened when they thought of spending nights in
Saw Mill Hollow. They were frightened of not knowing what strange events
might await them.
On the first day in Saw Mill Hollow as Boozer and Three Eight Ball were
checking out the area, they came upon what appeared to be a middle-aged lady
hanging upside down from a tree limb by her feet. Upon closer inspection
they discovered others, who must have been her children, hanging on various
other limbs of the tree in exactly the same manner. The boys cautiously
circled the tree several times, taking in the unusual display before them.
And then Three Eight Ball spoke.
THREE EIGHT BALL: Say, Lady, what are you doing?
UPSIDE DOWN LADY: Oh, just arestin and awaitin fer night to come, so that me
and me children can roam the forest to see what food we can find.
THREE EIGHT BALL: But how do you see on a dark night?
UPSIDE DOWN LADY: We don’t have to see. We have learned how to make small
clicking sounds that bounce off the trees. These sounds return to our brains
and enable us to navigate through the forest.
BOOZER: Have you seen a big hairy creature roaming the woods around here?
UPSIDE DOWN LADY: Could be, I think I heared it’s footsteps, but I never
seed it.
That was encouragement for the boys and they thought that they would at
least see the creature by the weekend. But they had seen a family hanging
upside down by their feet from the limbs of a tree. Holy Smokes!, what other
strange things might they encounter? The next few days and nights passed
uneventfully, but occasionally late at night they could hear footsteps at
what appeared to be some distance from them. At that point, the boys guessed
that it must be the Upside Down Lady and her children hunting food. On the
night before they were to break camp and return to Alderson, they began to
hear footsteps that were getting closer and closer to their camp. Thump,
Thump, THUMP, THUMP, BOOM!, BOOM!!, BOOM!!! This time both Three Eight Ball
and Boozer thought that it must be the Creature because the footsteps were
so loud. They couldn’t tell exactly how close the footsteps were to them,
but as the footsteps grew closer, the ground began to shake with each
footstep. In fact, the shaking of the ground and booming footsteps scared
both of them so badly that they hid, as best they could, behind a big tree.
The footsteps quickly passed, BOOM!!!, BOOM!!, BOOM!, THUMP, THUMP, Thump.
The next morning the boys overcame their fear and searched the area for
signs of the Creature’s passing, but nothing was found that would help
identify it. They noticed that several small one- to two-inch “saplin” trees
in the area were crushed to the ground, so it must have been something
really big and heavy. Maybe it was someone’s bull that had gotten loose or
maybe a massively large wild hog. However, they both entertained the
possibility that it might be Big Foot.
The boys had planned to return to Alderson the next morning but because of
this event they decided to stay one more night, hoping that they might catch
a glimpse of Big Foot. That night they discovered that they were almost out
of food, only peanut butter, bread and bananas were left. Later that night
Three Eight Ball had a brilliant idea. Why not leave some food on a big log
that was only about 15 yards from their camp. Maybe the food would attract
the Creature and they could then catch a glimpse of it. So the boys prepared
four peanut butter and banana sandwiches and put them on the log. Later that
evening the booming footsteps started again and this time Boozer and Three
Eight Ball were hiding in a thicket close to the log. After waiting for a
period of time a very, very large gentleman broke into the clearing beside
the log. He was truly large, a giant who was much, much larger than any man
that either Boozer or Three Eight Ball had ever seen. He had long
waist-length matted gray hair that covered his entire head, including his
face. He swept the hair from the front of his mouth, ate the sandwiches
quickly and turned to walk away. Both Boozer and Three Eight Ball sprang
from the thicket and Three Eight Ball hollered to the man, “Say, Buddy,
how’d you like the sandwiches?” The man turned slowly, pulled the hair from
his face, spread his legs, swiveled his torso and large stomach and said in
a low melodious voice “Thank you very much, just like the ones my dear
mother in Mississippi used to make.” And then, he said it again with a
slight southern draw, “Thank you very much” and this time, as he spoke, he
held one hand waist high and pointed towards the boys with his forefinger.
Boozer and Three Eight Ball looked at each other and at the same time they
both said,
“Good Heavens, Hattie, it’s Elvis. Elvis Lives, ELVIS LIVES!”
They both slowly recovered from their shock and then turned to speak to
Elvis, but by this time he was gone, somehow silently.
About that time the Sweet Little Old Lady broke into the clearing and jumped
the log with great athletic form, the form of a high hurdler track star with
her front leg outstretched and with her body leaning over her leading leg.
Just as quickly, she disappeared into the woods, chasing wildly after the
large gentleman who the boys thought was Elvis.
The next morning, as they were leaving Saw Mill Hollow, they came upon the
Sweet Old Lady again on Snake Run Road. She had a bed roll tied neatly to
her back and she seemed to be heading for Blue Sulfur. Boozer pulled the
truck to the side of the road and began to speak to her.
BOOZER: We saw Elvis last night. We remember that you said that you came to
this area to be close to Elvis. Could you tell us where we might find him?
SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY: No, I think he has left the area cause he’s been
discovered.
BOOZER: Do you know where he is going?
SWEET LITTLE OLD LADY: No, not really, but I’m aheadin out fer Pocahontas
County. I think Elvis may be aheadin up thataway and I need to be close to
Elvis.
On the way back to Alderson Boozer and Three Eight Ball discussed the Elvis
sighting.
BOOZER: Boy, Elvis has really gained a massive amount of weight and how
about that big beer belly!
THREE EIGHT BALL: Yeah, a lot of weight, but that was no beer belly, that’s
a gas tank for a hard-driving sex machine.
BOOZER: Oh, I guess so; Elvis was quite a rounder in his day.
BACK IN ALDERSON AND RUSH LIMBAUGH
A few days after returning to Alderson, Boozer began to suffer
head-splitting headaches. He was concerned since he didn’t know exactly what
he might have been exposed to while in Saw Mill Hollow. So he decided that
he had better visit his doctor to have himself checked out.
BOOZER: Doctor, I have been having bad headaches for the past week. I just
spent a week in Saw Mill Hollow and I don’t know exactly what I might have
been exposed to while there. I was somewhat frightened while there due to
the legend of the Headless Horseman in Sleepy Hollow, so maybe it’s nerves.
The doctor went through his usual routine and finally decided that he could
find nothing wrong with Boozer. His next question seemed a little strange.
DOCTOR: Do you use a cell phone?
Boozer didn’t exactly understand the connection between his cell phone and
the week he spent in Saw Mill Hollow, but he answered anyway.
BOOZER: Well, yes, I have one, but very seldom use it. I carry it only for
emergency use.
DOCTOR: OK, the headaches don’t seem to be due to cell phone use, so do you
listen to Rush Limbaugh?
Boozer thought to himself, this is ridiculous, but again he answered,
deciding to go along with the doctor.
BOOZER: Sure, doesn’t everyone?
DOCTOR: How often and for how long?
BOOZER: I usually listen to him every day for the full 3 hours.
DOCTOR: Well, there you have it.
BOOZER: Why? I don’t understand.
DOCTOR: Pet Scans have been made of people’s brains while they are listening
to Rush. What has been discovered is that due to Rush’s illogical
statements, the electrons in the brain become confused and lose their sense
of direction as they travel around the brain. These electrons will quite
often crash into one another causing small electrical explosions. In the
long run, these explosions will cause a brain abscess which will likely lead
to brain cancer.
BOOZER: Gosh!!
DOCTOR: Nothing is definite yet, but medical statisticians are looking into
cases where, in the past, the cause of peoples brain problems is thought to
be the result of heavy cell phone use. They want to see if there is a
statistical correlation among these people and those who listen to Rush
Limbaugh.
BOOZER: What do you think?
DOCTOR: Well, with regard to my patients with such a problem, I have found
that their headaches disappear if they quit listening to the ranting and
raving of Rush Limbaugh. I think that if you will quit listening to him,
then your headaches will disappear as well. However, it will take quite a
long time for the brain cancer to develop, but I must also point out that,
due to the confusion of the electrons in the brain, those who listen to Rush
Limbaugh even for a short period of time will have a lower IQ than then
those who do not. Moreover, this lowering of IQ is probably irreversible.
Boozer followed his doctor’s advice and sure enough his headaches went away.
Due to this experience, Boozer concluded that people who listen to Rush
Limbaugh, even for a short period of time, will probably have an
irreversible lowering of their IQ and if they are dedicated listeners, then
it’s possible that their brains will rot!
POSTSCRIPT
Both Boozer and Three Eight Ball were both deeply affected by what they had
seen in Snake Run and Saw Mill Hollow and both have had many sleepless
nights. In fact, to this day, neither has fully recovered from the Elvis
sighting. They both fondly remember the Sweet Little Old Lady, and the jig
she danced while singing Ramma, Jamma, Ramma, Jamma, give’m hell Alabama. It
was the Upside Down Lady and her children who could navigate the forest with
a bat-like radar that left them puzzled. They can’t be sure that they
actually saw a family hanging upside down by their feet from tree limbs in
Saw Mill Hollow. After many discussions, the boys finally came to the
conclusion that they may have been hallucinating. They decided that they
were both traumatized due to their fear of being in Saw Mill Hollow because
of the legend of the Headless Horseman in Sleepy Hollow.
Finally, it should be pointed out that Boozer and Three Eight Ball have
never given up on the Elvis question. To this day they both dream of
becoming famous and possibly rich by putting the question of Elvis’ death to
rest once and for all. Because of this, during the following two summers
Boozer and Three Eight Ball camped out in Pocahontas County trying to “hook
up” with Elvis. Boozer even brought along a video camera hoping to record an
interview with Elvis. However, much to their disappointment, they were never
able to sight Elvis again.
So, what do you think? Is Elvis still alive and roaming the hills of
Pocahontas County, hiding out from his fans, hoping to live a life free from
the pressures of a performing artist? Or do you believe that the boys were
mistaken and that the man they saw really wasn’t Elvis? Could it be possible
that the creature they saw actually was a Big Foot that had adapted over the
years and learned to speak English? If so, maybe this particular Big Foot
had even become an Elvis fan and possibly an Elvis impersonator, swiveling
his hips, pointing with his finger and saying “Thank you very much.”
And so the hunt goes on …
|
