It is sad to have to report that A. A.
Asbury is dead, or at least that is what I have been led to believe. A. A.
was visiting Scotland and that is where he supposedly died. I have to say
that I am not sure that he is actually dead, but the following has been
reported to me by Scottish officials over the internet. Unfortunately, some
background information is necessary to explain the report.
You may or may not have heard the story of Wire’s teeth. Wire was a likeable
fellow who hung out at the local pool hall racking balls and playing pool
games for money. It seems that Wire had false teeth, both uppers and lowers,
that he was quite proud of. One fine Saturday afternoon he and several
fellow “poolhallers” decided to set out for Detroit to get a job. Upon
arriving in Detroit, Wire was able to obtain employment in a car factory.
Now Wire always had an eye for the ladies and while in Detroit he met a
young lady who he wanted to invite out for dinner when he became “flush”
after his first payday. After receiving his first paycheck, he invited the
young woman to dinner. At the conclusion of their meal, Wire noticed that
the young lady had not eaten her meat. Wire inquired as to the difficultly
and the young lady, somewhat embarrassed, told Wire that she could not eat
the meat since she was also without teeth. Now Wire was an accommodating
sort of fellow, so in an effort to impress the lady and show compassion he
offered her his teeth. She tried the teeth which seemed to fit her quite
nicely and she began to eat the meat. Shortly after finishing her meat, she
excused herself to go to the ladies room and failed to return. Moreover, the
young lady never returned to work, so Wire’s teeth disappeared without a
trace. After working the required number of weeks to be eligible for
unemployment, Wire returned to Alderson, toothless. He took quite a
“ribbing” from the fellows at the pool hall when the story of his teeth
By now you are probably asking yourself, what does the disappearance of
Wire’s teeth have to do with the death of A. A. Asbury? Well, after an
extensive investigation, I have learned that the disappearance of Wire’s
teeth is closely connected to the Freemasons, to the Knights Templar and to
the death of A. A. To connect all of this, we need a little history of the
Freemasons and the Knights Templar.
FREEMASONS AND THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR
The origins and early development of freemasonry are a matter of some debate
and conjecture. There is evidence to suggest that there were Masonic Lodges
in existence in Scotland as early as the late sixteenth century. Scotland
has records that date to the late 1500s and there are clear references to
the existence of lodges in England by the mid-seventeenth century. The Grand
Lodge of Ireland and The Grand Lodge of Scotland were formed in 1725 and
1736, respectively. Freemasonry was exported to the British Colonies in
North America by the 1730s and after the American Revolution, independent
U.S. Grand Lodges formed themselves within each state. Many of the founding
fathers were Freemasons and, in fact, George Washington was the first Grand
Master of the Virginia lodge.
Freemasons have also been connected with a mysterious order called the
Knights Templar. These knights were monks who took up arms in 1118 A.D. in
order to protect Christian pilgrims traveling to Jerusalem. According to
legend, the Knights Templar discovered the greatest treasure in history
buried in the ruins of King Solomon’s temple in Jerusalem. The Knights
became rich—so rich, in fact, that they were the targets of envy and
suspicion. In 1307, King Philip IV of France had all, or at least he thought
all, of the Knights Templar arrested so that he could take possession of
their lands and their great wealth. He failed to find the treasure and what
happened to the Knights after their imprisonment remains a mystery. Some say
that those who escaped imprisonment went into hiding and continued their
work in secret, only to reemerge in Europe and eventually in America, where
they developed secret handshakes, code words and other signs to identify
themselves to other Freemasons and Knights Templar.
It is thought that the Freemasons and the Knights Templar are still wealthy
beyond our wildest dreams and that only a small portion of the Treasure of
Jerusalem has been spent.
Unbeknown to most, governments in the Middle East have been seeking this
treasure for years. They feel that the treasure and the artifacts that it
contains rightly belong to them. The hunt has been extensive and little
quarter has been given to those who might have a clue as to where the
treasure is today. The Freemasons as well as the Knights Templar also
believe that Scientologists, followers of L. Ron Hubbard, are after the
WIRE’S TEETH AND THE TREASURE
The orthodontist who crafted Wire’s teeth was a 15th degree Freemason who
held one of several important clues as to the location of the Treasure of
Jerusalem. This somehow became known to the treasure hunters from the Middle
East and they threatened him with great bodily harm if he didn’t divulge the
clue. The orthodontist didn’t know exactly what to do, so he drilled a small
hole in one of Wire’s teeth and hid a microdot containing the clue in the
tooth. The orthodontist didn’t divulge the information about the microdot to
his tormentors and before he died on the rack, he was able to get a message
to the Freemasons in Alderson informing them of what he had done. The lodge
members in Alderson desperately tried to get in touch with Wire, but by this
time he was already in Detroit.
So the young lady in Detroit who walked off with Wire’s teeth walked away
with an extremely important clue to the location of the Treasure of
A. A. BECOMES A KNIGHT AND MAGIC UNDERWEAR
The Freemasons of Alderson were desperate to find Wire’s teeth, so they
turned to A. A. Asbury. They knew that A. A., who was also a Freemason, was
the best person in Alderson to search for Wire’s teeth. After discussions
over many weeks, A. A. agreed to conduct a worldwide search. However, A. A.
insisted on being dubbed a Knight Templar before he would undertake such a
quest. So the Freemasons of Alderson called a meeting of the lodge and A. A.
went through a secret ceremony and became a Knight Templar.
A. A. was a follower of the Mormons, so immediately after becoming a Knight
he went home and put on his magic underwear. A. A. thought that this
underwear would protect him from evil. He also believed that his magic
drawers would eventually bring him x-ray vision, the ability to fly and he
thought that when he died he'd inherit his own planet to rule. Like most of
the Mormon practices, magic underwear, known as Garments or simply G’s,
seems to be a poorly kept secret. The magic underwear is worn under real
underwear. Picture a woman wearing a man's T-shirt and boxer briefs under
her bra and panties, that's the look.
THE QUEST BEGINS
A. A. first searched for Wire’s teeth in New Zealand where he found nothing
after a year of searching. It is unknown where A. A. got his information as
to where to search for Wire’s teeth, but he traveled in England next. He
searched for the teeth in Wales and other parts of England with no success,
so he finally decided to look in Scotland. Along the way, A. A. had acquired
a traveling companion called Pancho. Pancho was a Mexican who was an illegal
immigrant in England. Pancho knew that England offered great benefits for
illegals, so he decided to slip into England rather than the United States.
A. A. promised Pancho the governorship of Ireland if he would be his squire.
Pancho agreed and they traveled throughout Scotland finally arriving in the
highlands. There were no roads to be found, so they acquired horses. A. A.,
ever mindful of the fact that he was a Knight Templar, dressed himself in an
old suit of armor, lance and all.
On their first day in the highlands, A.
A. and Pancho ended up at an inn which A. A. thought was a castle. A. A and
Pancho spent the night there, with A. A. holding vigil over his armor. While
at the inn, A. A. engaged in a fight with treasure hunters from the Middle
East, who had somehow learned of the importance of Wire’s teeth. A. A.
vanquished these hunters, but he knew that this was not to be the end of it.
He prepared himself for battle the next day.
The next morning A. A. and Pancho set out to explore the highlands. As they
came upon the crest of a hill A. A. spotted, at some distance away, rows and
rows of wind turbines that the government of Scotland had built to generate
Since the field of turbines was at some
distance, A. A. mistook this for an army of treasure hunters from the Middle
East. Pancho warned A. A. that this was not an army, but A. A. simply could
not see the truth. He pulled down his face guard, which obstructed his
vision somewhat, hollered Battle, lowered his lance and charged, intent on
jousting with the soldiers from the Middle East. He rode throughout the
field of wind turbines, jousting at the arms of the “soldiers.” It was
reported that one of the arms of the turbines struck A. A. on the back of
his head and he was thrown from his horse and killed.
Of course, Pancho was quite distressed
by losing his Master, but he was even more distressed by losing the
governorship of Ireland.
So is A. A. actually dead? If the report from Scotland is to be believed,
then we all must agree that A. A. gave a Quixotian effort in the search for
Wire’s teeth. If A. A. is dead, then it seems that his magic underwear did
not work and we still don’t know where Wire’s teeth have “gone to.” I can
only say that if A. A. is dead, then it is my fondest hope that his magic
underwear will, at the very least, provide him with a planet to rule in his