Shown below, is supposed to
be an actual
letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New
York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls
and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service.. As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call, but only for the periods
between announcements telling me that you appreciate my business
and someone will be with me in a few minutes, and then the music
will start from the beginning, never letting me hear the complete
song.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year?
Your Humble Client |