Here of late we have been told
by people is some quarters, led by none other than the former vice
president of these United States, that we are in the middle of
global warming. Even though we have been and are still going through
one of the coldest and snowiest winters on record. They even go so
far as to tell us that the reason we are experiencing this deep
freeze is of course global warming.
Well, I beg to differ with them and by using the same scientific
research and laws of probability, I submit that gravity is the real
culprit of this century. I have put a lot of personal time and
energy into the study of this gravity thing and I would like to put
it out for your inspection and agree or not you must admit that
there is something to it.
The first thing I submit for your inspection is my own body. If you
would have taken a picture of me in the fullness of my youth and
then take one now in the same positions and at the same angle you
would plainly see that my chest has dropped almost to my waist line.
Other parts have sagged to the point of almost cartoon proportions.
Even my hair which once stood so magnificent on my head is now
thinned and has dropped to my chin, under my nose and even sprouting
out of my ears. I carry more weight and all in the wrong places. The
weight has drifted into corners where it makes it difficult to walk
and move. I feel the pounds that I carry is heavier on my feet and I
sometimes need a little help getting up and down.
I know other people are experiencing the same heaviness. There is
even a commercial where the lady is lying on the floor and is
begging for someone to help her because she has fallen and can’t get
up. Some find this gravity thing at a lot younger age than I did. It
affects some to the point that they become bed-ridden, some have to
use canes and walkers while others have to be placed in nursing
homes or assisted living facilities.
It is time the whole world becomes aware of the gravity problem and
the government needs to do something about it right away. I think a
congressional committee should be convened and American industry put
on alert that what they are doing is causing gravity to become
heavier. I think they should at least pay me a couple of million
dollars for the time and energy I have spent looking into this
problem. After that I should go on a speaking tour where I can
accept the accolades and monetary gifts not to mention the backing
of the scientific community and try to graciously accept the Nobel
peace prize with the dignity needed to keep the process alive long
after I am gone.
I must submit my final analysis for your consideration before
concluding this report. I report that no where on earth is gravity
more prominent or pressing than my old chair. It sits in the corner
with a reading lamp and at first sight it appears to be nothing more
than a chair used for sitting and reading and working puzzles on
line, but if you look closer you will find that there is a place in
the center of the seat that has sunken and now a pillow is needed
for the lower lumbar. I myself can feel the extra pull of gravity
when I begin to sit. The pull is overwhelming and I feel myself
drawn into the chair, down, down, down until I feel the chair take
over my entire body.
If I felt that I was the only one to feel this way toward that old
chair, just let me give you this added secret knowledge. There are
many others who feel that the gravity in that chair is heavier than
anywhere else. There are times when people who don’t even live in
this house will come in and will grab a seat on the sofa or on one
of the other chairs. Sometimes there are small children and if one
of them should start to sit in my old chair the grown ups are quick
to go over and whisper into their ear and then all of a sudden they
will abandon the chair for another one.
If I can see and feel this gravity thing with such intensity then I
know there are thousands, no millions that feel the same way or at
least will, when they are made fully aware of the gravity of the
situation. So I need your help in spreading the news by getting this
report out to everyone you know. I will do my part, but you need to
help spread the news to everyone you know. Pass the word and just
let them all know that no monetary gift is too small to help push
the gravity thing to a global level.
So you see my friends that I do
have a grasp of this gravity thing and the scientific evidence to
back up my claims. So stop your worry about global warming and
concentrate on the real menace that is taking over the world……